The Erotic Fire of the Unattainable by Gay Walley

Author:Gay Walley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2014-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

“It was only later that I discovered that rebellion

Is a form of love.”

—Paul Metcalf

Rebellion

SELF-SABOTAGE

I have been enraged of late at the people in my life who did not encourage me. It was bad enough all the rejections, but on top of this I had to withstand others’ lack of confidence in me, their mockery. In other words, I had to believe in myself by myself. Not an unusual situation for artists, but still bruising and painful.

My phone rings constantly when I am busy. This time it’s a woman bored at home, sick. She is going through her phone book. “Reaching out,” she calls it.

The real evil in seductiveness is not its Jezebel-like power, but how it attracts people into your life who waste your time.

The phone an assault weapon.

If it isn’t a man I am ambivalent about, then it is a friend, a guest, a relative I become ambivalent about, all the while spending time with them.

A man calls me today “a free spirit but a limited one.” Aren’t we all?

A former boyfriend, when he was young, edited the college newspaper, won all the girls. He had energy and force. But he has spent the last thirty years smoking marijuana. He tells me his twenty-five-year marriage is boring, as is his job. He half-heartedly writes but makes no effort toward the discomfort of rising above mediocrity. He has smoked away his eros.

I had dinner last night with two friends from my long-distance past whom I have not seen in thirty years. One had his inquisitive and anxious ten-year-old son with him. Adult conversation happened in furtive looks and innuendo and responses to the son’s questions. None of the adults connected. Only the son with his father.

I talk with a friend about the vagaries of making money. The ultimate sabotage to peace of mind. She is way behind on her rent. We discuss that making money is fundamental. Incredibly fundamental. You have to be willing to give up your time or your refinement to do it.

My broke friend sabotaged herself by not telling anyone of her dilemma. We all suffer from difficulties. But to wait until they are cataclysmic is sometimes an aggressive act of hostility to those around you.

We can fool no one. We are human, all too human, as Friedrich says.

The ultimate sabotage is holding onto the patterns that are the most chaotic. Funny how we cling to them. Let me go down on my ship.

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